Somehow things are not working out the way I would love them to be. I remember that when asked what was the biggest hardship I had to go through, my reply was to overcome the biggest setbacks in my life. Though nothing big, these setbacks bruised my self-confidence and self-belief that I could attain whatever I set out to do. Resilience is something that I gained through this experience.
Similarly, I face setbacks now as I did in the past. I have problems, and I have been cheated of my money. I lost my self-confidence and self-belief once again. No longer half the person that I was, although I am smarter and more experienced, these gains have given way to other inadequancies. Perhaps I am once again required to prove myself. But all I get is pressure and pressure and pressure. BUT I just want to do the things I want to do, to smell the sweet aroma of the coffee, to sit at a cafe and enjoy the enticing details of a novel, to learn more things, to tour different places, to backpack, to keep away from people in general. I want my own life! I don't want to be tied down by commitments that are hurled upon my shoulders. Why do I have to do this, to do that, cannot do this, cannot do that? Why do I have to give in and always be forced to make a bloody decision that is not even a choice?!
It's like voting when you know the vote would not matter. The results will still be the same. I have shitty personality and probably that is why I have some shitty friends that are not even friends. Everything seems so stable but yet it is just a volcano waiting to erupt, a calm before the storm.